How to Take Care of Yourself When Your Life Falls Apart: 3 Simple Tips
I’m no stranger to the stomach drop that happens when you realize life will never be the same again. The last 5 years have taught me more about resilience than I care to know and I’m not sure the other side (whatever the f**k that is) has been reached just yet.
The world is throwing one catastrophic event after another at us and more and more it feels like coming together and sharing our wisdom is what will get us through.
If you’re sitting on the ground in the middle of an empty apartment where you previously built a life or finding yourself way off course from the life you’d thought you’d be living or facing some kind of horror you weren’t prepared to know, then I am with you.
Your experience, your pain, and your dignity is your own. It’s specific and can feel isolating in its specificity. I can’t claim to understand but I can be a witness.
I’d love to share the things that helped me maintain some modicum of sanity as life threw me some major plot twists.
Tip #1: Cut Out the Toxic Positivity
You will lose people when your world falls apart. It’s a cruel fact of life. You will also grow closer to people who are the real ones — the ones who can hold your pain with you for a while without flinching.
In the messy middle of a major upheaval is not the time for bright sides. It’s not the time to tell someone, “Everything happens for a reason.” 🙄 It’s not the time to tell them they can master their thoughts with the latest mindfulness practice and make all the bad feelings go away (see: spiritual bypassing). It’s the time to let someone rage, cry, laugh like a crazy person, have an existential crisis etc. Whatever they feel they should be allowed to feel. Processing it and moving past it can come after the crisis is no longer active — and that timeline is unique to everyone.
The best thing I did when I was navigating a substantial loss was decide that it didn’t matter who it was coming from, I was not going to tolerate toxic positivity. I insisted it was not my job to minimize my despair for the comfort of others. This came at a cost. One of my longest lifelong friends is no longer in my life. But another of my friendships grew and blossomed because that person understood how to show up for me. You take as much good as you can with the bad.
Tip #2: Read Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore
Sometimes, the part of us that is angry, bitter, sad, and completely dumbfounded by the situation we’re in needs to feel validated. A friend recommended this book to me when I was struggling and I can’t tell you how much it helped.
Finally, someone who isn’t trying to get me to see the lesson or the silver lining or the “gift” in my pain. Thomas Moore wrote a book that permits you to feel what you’re feeling, be right where you’re at and doesn’t sugarcoat it. He doesn’t claim there will be one magical day when you see the point in the terrible thing that has happened to you. But he does offer that this experience will deepen and shape you in new and interesting ways. He encourages you to embrace the Dark Night of the Soul for as long as it has you in its grip.
This book is a masterpiece. Click here to purchase.
Tip #3: Soothe Yourself Often and in as Many Ways as You Know How
Every nice thing you could ever do for yourself…do it NOW. Your nervous system is shot to hell and it is time to nurture her like you would a small child or a sick puppy. Give her what she needs.
Some days, it will be drinking water and eating healthy; other days, it will be treating yourself to an iced coffee and a donut.
For me, smells were a huge soothing tool. Find a scent that makes you think of home or safety or beauty or softness and diffuse it, roll it on, light a candle — aromatherapy it up because that is one more speck of something comforting you can add to your day.
You could try long contemplative walks, guided meditations — or find a controlled and safe way to hit something really hard.
The thing that makes you feel better might seem weird to other people. Who cares?! You are in crisis mode and you are allowed to be as unhinged as you want. If it makes you feel better, I took a lot of sad selfies, posted dramatic content on the internet, and made art with cardboard and string where I cut a photo of me in half and stitched it back together.
Weird is awesome if weird keeps you alive.
The Crisis Will Pass but the Scars Will Remain
The truth is that you will never be the same as you were before a significant loss. The after-effects will echo into the rest of your life. This is a fact and a neutral statement. It’s up to you what you do with those echoes — the same way that your life is yours.
The best you can do is more than enough. You deserve support, love, and kindness. The world doesn’t always have that to offer us but I bet there is someone or something — my Chihuahua kept me alive so I’m not judging — that loves you very much. This world is better because you’re here in it and you don’t have to do anything to earn that status.
I hope in your new chapter you can trade resilience for peacefulness, grit for ease, and strength for softness.
If you’re a spiritual entrepreneur who could use some help boosting your business, I’d love to see how I can empower you with my words. I invite you to book a discovery call with me here: www.queenofswordscopy.com/consultation.